I have gathered together email messages sent by me, beginning with what led to my diagnosis to the beginning of the making of this site. These messages work as early updates, for I did not yet have my Progress Reports in place.

12/29/95 - To my sister
I am horrified that I am sick again. I do want to consult Veronica (my doctor friend), but I try not to bug her with every little ailment I have. But I think this is no longer a little ailment, because it is taking over my life!

12/29/95 - To my husband
I found more big nodes on my lower neck, on both sides! I feel like crap! I am sorry, but I am going to need as much Brittany help as possible! She is being good, but I have zero energy at this point. Maybe tomorrow I will be better!

12/30/95 - To my husband
My neck nodes are swelling a lot! Please check me when you wake up, make sure I'm breathing OK. Try not to wake me unless I look in need of a doctor. I will wake you if it gets too hard to breathe! I'm trying not to be scared!

12/30/95 - To my sister
Too sick to reply! One more day until the Dr. is back in. I should know more soon!

1/1/96 - To my sister
Still so sick. Temp of 101.4. Sweating a lot, shivering, shaky, pains everywhere, dizzy. Scott is taking care me, but is asleep now. I could not drive like this, and may call mom in the am. Tomorrow is a busy day, school, Scott to work, me to the doctor. I can do nothing, this is it! I'm ready for an IV or hospital any minute! Keep you posted!

1/2/96 - To my sister
I don't know what to feel right now. My blood work came back, and the doctor thinks it could be something like a Lymphoma or Leukemia, or it could just be a strange allergic reaction that has spread throughout my body. I am going to a hematologist tonight, and may be hospitalized for bone marrow tests and things. For a month or so I have had the urge to put my life in order, kind of like nesting for a pregnant woman, I hope I not been having final resting urges. I have worried that nobody would take my blood until now, deep down I knew that it would be my demise. I do not have a good feeling about this. How am I supposed to be positive? How can I make it all go away?

DIAGNOSIS

1/5/96 - To my sister
Going to hospital AM. Starting chemo now. Is Lymphoma! Widespread! Staying overnight. Please call Veronica, tell her I am in hospital, may not be home by 3pm Saturday.

POST-DIAGNOSIS

1/15/96 - To my sister
I had to get to my desk and send something. I will not edit. I am trying to be positive. I can't believe how weak I feel when I am not lying down. I guess the chemo is doing it's optimum job on me. I know I will be strong again, and I keep telling myself that. Don't I sound weaker sitting up than lying down talking on the phone? I use up a lot of energy just zoning out in bed. Scott wants me to sit in the living room, but I don't think he or I realized how far away that room could be. He is at work now, Brittany will be home before him. Her energy kind of scares me, but she is being good! This chemo week-end seems to be putting me through every feeling there is, like a pendulum. So it depends on when I am talked to on how I appear to the outside world. The voracious baby Chemo Eaters are still busy eating all those Hodgkin's cells. I fed my hair potatoes and gravy, and my hair is still hanging onto my head. My head is cold all the time, so I expect to be a Qball soon.

I can see my Blortsite behind this screen and I want so much to work on it. Maybe in a day or two I will be stronger. I am now going to feel strong and patient and positive and get back into bed.

1/15/96 - To my sister
My body is busy eliminating all the putrid nuclear destruction it has left in my every cell. The doc said I had lost 20 pounds of mass and may have 5 more to go. He called it 'miraculous!" But he also said that getting that last 1% out was always the greatest challenge. I told him I felt like a nuclear waste dump! He laughed, and said he will check my blood to see if he can make me feel any better. It is probably the chemo's fault, the last chemo I took is notorious for making one feel this bad. But I have to take it! My white count is dangerously low, to the 1000 count, so I have to even worry about getting an infection from myself. I got the doc to suggest all he could, which was to get Brittany shipped off somewhere for a short while and explain that I love her very much, it is not her fault, but that "mommy is just so damn sick!" He thinks she will understand. So my friend Debbie, who has 3 kids, has her for at least a week. I really had no choice, and it took this much to be able to just ship her off! I'm trying not to be too sad about it, but it just tears me apart to have to do this. I know I'm lucky though, because I need the space to recover. It cannot get worse!

1/19/96 - To a friend, telling her about my illness.
I have little energy to tell you this, but I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I guess I have had it for 2 years, but no doctor saw it. Finally, New Years Eve, my body said no more and since then I have been through massive amounts of chemo. I have lost 20lbs in less than 2 weeks, all tumor mass growing in and around every conceivable lymph node, and packing my bone marrow. Disgusting, yet the docs say my recovery so far is miraculous and that they have never seen such a severe case Hodgkin's in 50 years, and these are Stanfords experts sitting in Lymphoma Capital USA. I must, deep down, be a healthy human specimen to be able to get so full of disease and not explode. So 90% of it has been nuclear blasted through chemo, and transfusions, and gallons of saline solution. I am like a war zone inside trying to expel all the dead soldiers clinging to my insides like yellow rotting rusting slug like stench filled debris! I am doing all I can to eliminate all the toxic wastes accumulated by the general human elimination processes. It is like being scraped from the inside, leaving me raw and tender and so extremely weak, that it has taken until now to be able sit steadily to compose this note! Luckily Hodgkin's is the cancer of choice, being the most curable, and I am being a good patient.

I am informing friends slowly, and want everyone to know that if this were to kill me...the killing would have been done weeks ago. The docs very words were "Its miraculous!"

1/24/96 - To my sister after my chemo port was put in my chest.
I feel the best yet. I should not type too much because of my new alien chemo port. I am now part science fiction, and I bet that aliens from all over the universe are going to want to sample my blood!

Now I want to lose my hair, and get post chemo curls! Scott hopes it falls out too! I just won't feed it any more! It may fall out next week or maybe in 2 months! Yes, not having AIDS was the biggest relief of my life! Dad heard it with me! He laughed when I said "Thank You" to the doctor! I still have a lot of people to inform in different ways and different times. I pick one or two people to email or call at a time. I'm taking it one day at a time, because everyone is so shocked, and I have to unshock them. Email is the easiest way, but not everyone has it.

1/26/96 - To my sister
My doctor told me today that I am doing better than he could ever have hoped, he even canceled my next appointment! My white count went from Wednesday's 3,500 to 4,900, and the rest of my counts went up at least some. The only thing I have not visualized yet is building my red blood cells, which are the only thing that has not gone up dramatically. So that is my job, and I promised everyone at my docotor's office that I would have my red blood count up next week, and I will.

I can not believe how busy this has made me, and how fun and interesting it all is! I have so many Brittany-care offers, and I am able to care for her myself this week! This week will be a good week, so I can actually feel normal and take care of a lot of things, including myself! I have realized that all I need to is be positive, like my blood type B+, and do all the things that start with re-: Like rebuild, rest, recover, recharge, read, renew, rethink, redo, re- on and on!

My hair is flying out, and I shall shave it very soon. I have a wig coming next week, and I actually look better than I have for a few years! I forgot how fast my body reacts to things, and it pays to be good to it! I eat only good foods, because that is what I want!

I have chemo next Friday, day one for my new port! I told my port doctor about your arm port, and he said that they do not last as long and have more infections and blockage problems. I guess my port needs to be in for a year and will be used for a lot of things! It is starting to mesh with my body, but I am a bit nervous for it's first use. It is different than yours, the outer area is a different type of design. It is completely beneath the skin! You will see!

1/27/96 - To a friend after he got my message about me getting Hodgkin's.
I knew you would be shocked! But I am really fine! Honestly! I am beating this like I have never beat anything before! Do not be afraid! I have already shocked my doctors and those around me at my recovery abilities!

I am losing my hair, today especially, but it will come back thicker and maybe curly too! I have to go through at least 6 months of chemo, it is the rules! But I am up for it, and it is my job to come out of this for so many reasons! It is all really fascinating, if I look at it that way! This is my time for cancer, and I will get over it and be able to enjoy the rest of my life. So in a way it is a relief!

I am not in pain now! I was! But I had a lot of cancer in me to expel, and I did it! Whew, what a job! I have been using all my visualization skills, and you know I have way too many of those. My Blortland creatures have been helping me greatly, I will live just to show them off. Plus I need to be a part of the big party the world will have on new years eve for the year 2000!

1/27/96 - To my sister
The Brittany thing is the hardest, but she is taking it as well as anyone could ever dream! I was able to explain my rash by comparing it to her chicken pox, and I keep talking about how great of a summer we will have! Then there are the germs! One day, they will not be so crucial to my daily everything! My chemo port is still healing, and will be sore for another week, just in time to be used. My rash is almost gone, and I am learning new ways to get myself to sleep. To stop my mind!

1/28/96 - To my sister
I'm itching to get my head shaved! Handfuls come out now, and I must say, it is not a pleasant experience! I eat and eat and eat and my body just sucks it up! I think that burning fat releases toxins in itself, so I think that is what my body is doing in it's own defense! I seem to be burning calories at a rapid race! I am eating small meals often, and none of it is non-nutritious! I think that cancer for me is a cleansing experience, 40 years of toxins down the drain!

2/1/96 - To my sister
I did it! I've got no hair! I feel very clean, and relieved! Brittany likes it, but she is afraid others might laugh at me, so she told me not to show other people! She likes to put her hands on it, and says it is "cool." I have a wig and some new hats to keep my head warm!

2/2/96 - To my sister
My doctor wants me to do my chemo on Mondays, so he will be able to take care of me if something goes wrong during the week! This weekend I am supposed to rest up for Monday, because I will be on a new protocol, ADVB, and it will be harsher! They did a blood draw from my port for the first time and it felt like nothing! So that was a relief! You will see my head, I am a Qball! I look like a white Hari Krishna, or an alien from another planet!

2/5/96 - To my sister
I am up and nauseous, and it is before my chemo! I must have over done it or slept too much or the HD is back? Yuck! I did a small mini-Hodgkin's Visualization Website yesterday! I will test it while I am on chemo and see what needs changing! I want to write some notes while I am feeling sick so I can capture the feelings as they happen, then I can better help people as they use my site and such! Does that make sense? I know I'm gonna throw up before the day is out!

Tina is meeting me at the hospital, and she will take me home! I already told Brittany to expect me to feel sick when she gets home! What a terrible thing to have to tell a child! Mommy is going to throw up! I am going to have to break down and take some Tylenol for my head, I do not know what else to take? My nausea is irritating! I will read mail, but may not send any for a few days!

2/7/96 - To my sister
I'm very lethargic! And nauseated! Mom is coming over to make jello, and I think I will ask her to make different kinds! I got part of my Visualizations site up! My chemo port is working, tell you about it later!

2/16/96 - To my sister
Well, I will not be having chemo on Monday due to very low blood counts. They dropped to 1000 today. I have my mask on again, and can only write a bit more because Brittany is following me around. I have to get her to understand all over again that I can not touch her. It feels mean, but I have no choice! Anyway, the ABVD is known for dropping white blood counts. I have to admit I was shocked when he said my WBC counts were 1000. I felt yucky all week and now I know why, but I should feel pretty good next week while you are here.

2/17/96 - To my sister
Well I have made it through the first night of the weekend without getting an infection! I prefer to stay out of the hospital this weekend! I have made up a new visualization called the "White Blood Cell Blort Bump" which is similar to the "Red Blood Cell Blort Flip." I have been using it to lower my temp by making bacteria fighting white blood cells. No temp equals no infection!

2/18/96 - To my sister
I must have made more White Blood Cells, because I feel much better today! I even worked on my Chemosite this weekend, and have made a list of more things to add, fix and change on it!

2/29/96 - To my sister
My Chemosite is partially up, and by later tonight it should all be up!

3/1/96 - To a list of friends and people interested in my site
For those of you waiting to see my website, I now have my smallest site running. It is a visualization workout for those going through chemotherapy, the same one I have been using on myself. I hope you enjoy it!

I am between chemo cycles at the moment, so I have time to try to get up my Blortland site. It is a very big site, and takes days to go through if you read and visit it all! I will send you all the Blortland Url as soon as I get a chance to post it! Having my site up makes me feel as though I am working around the world while I get chemo'd out! The internet is the greatest thing for the isolated ill!

3/2/96 - To my sister
The latest from the doctor:

HLA Typing - My brother Tom is not a match, but Cathy's Marrow is a 5 out of 6 match!

BMT- I am also a candidate for an auto-BMT, Cooney thinks an auto BMT may be my best choice. So Cathy's marrow can work as a back up! I will see the Bone Marrow docs in 2 mo.

WBC - 2800 (I was lazy about visualizing) Now I get 4 days of Neupogen to stimulate WBCs. Tina's coming by to give me my Neupogen shot. I will start visualizing again!

Xray - I may need radiation after remission. I will be meeting with them in 2 mo.

Staging - I will be restaged in 2 mo. to check progress (A cat scan and bone marrow extraction).

Allergy - I am allergic to Procarbinzine (part of MOPP), so I will take a different chemo drug instead.

Chemo - Starts again next Tuesday (MOP + a new drug?).

blort@flash.net