June 14, 1997
Last night I saw the documentary that I am in, it is called "Tell Them You're Fine." I had four hairdos in it, one was sparse and fuzzy, one was absolutely bald, one was very very short, and one was short and stylish. My hair got longer and lighter as the movie progressed, all 20 minutes of it. Ian, the Stanford student director, did a great job making an impactful movie, and he gets a masters degree in film-making for it on this very day. I am awaiting my own copy, for I think of it as a sort of family album to be passed down to the generations. One day some small child will see it and say, "look at our great great great grandma when she was just 41 years old." And then someone will comment on how amazing it was that I lived to be 101 years old.

If you look below, you will notice that I have been surviving for a while now, and that I have collected months of updates. I can't help but recall Dr. Hoppe's comment on HD relapses usually occurring within 6 to 12 months after treatment, and I will have his words lingering over me until that time passes. I am doing everything I can to treat myself like a healthy, no more HD person, I am walking, skating, and stretching, along with taking vitamins and eating healthy fresh foods. I often order my body to stay healthy and tell it not to let HD take hold no matter what! I simply have to think of myself as a fit person, worthy of taking up space in this world. I know that my best hope is to never relapse, especially since I have already had my lifetime allotment of radiation and another bout of HD would take other drastic measures to combat the disease. I am trying to ignore the fact that most 4Bs eventually relapse, and I am doing my best to hunt down a 4B survivor who has only had HD once. If anyone knows a one time HD 4B survivor, please let me know!

Meanwhile, I plan to enjoy this summer! I have even figured out a way to be in the sun without getting sun on my radiated skin. I use a ton of sunscreen on my skin under a lightweight turtle neck shirt, then I top that off with a visor and a beautiful white parasol. That reminds me, I have to make an appointment at the Melanoma clinic, for I am a 17 year survivor of that lovely cancer. All this cancer talk makes me sound like such a sickly person, but I guarantee that in-person one would never guess I had ever been sick. And that is the way I like it!

June 25, 1997
I thought I was completely done with all the preliminary follow-up HD tests, but due to two class II pap smears, I have to be checked out more thoroughly by a Stanford Gyno/Oncologist. I have an appointment this Friday, but being that I am going away for a week to visit my sister in the Puget Sound, I will have to wait for the results when I return. I must admit that I did flip out for about an hour when I first got the news, but Dr. Cooney's nurse assured me that it is nothing to worry about. Besides that, I also have to visit Stanford's Melanoma clinic for a spot check of sorts. At least I will never again be dismissed by a doctor as a disease fills my body!

I just added a new section to my site, Survivor Tips. I am determined to survive and enjoy life! I do not want to take for granted that I am still alive, and I never want my body to think that it can ever get away with bringing another disease like HD into my system. I will always be looking over my shoulder, and I will always be one step ahead of every HD-like enemy that might lurk in my vacinity. So there!

June 30, 1997
Tomorrow, Brittany and I leave for the Puget Sound. The last time I was there I was itching like a maniac, tearing the skin off my legs in the hopes of a few seconds of relief. I was very thin and I was afraid to eat for fear that I must be allergic to everything. My mind was racing and I thought that I must be having a nervous breakdown. I blamed everything and everyone for how sick I felt, and never have I felt so out of control. I remember being so frustrated that I could barely wear any clothes, for even the softest of fabric felt like burlap on my skin. I spent my nights rotating between scratching uncontrollably and rinsing off in cold water. I took sleeping pills, anti-depressants, vitamins, and slathered every anti-itch cream I could find on my skin. Nothing helped! I felt as if I was being tortured, and I wanted to jump out of my skin and run away as far as I could! I thought I was nutts! My doctors thought I was nutts! It was 6 months, and 25 pounds of cancer and fluid later that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease! That was the day that I met Dr. Cooney who was the first doctor to take me seriously, and see that my collection of symptoms added up to more than stress. What a relief it was that day when Dr. Cooney told me I had cancer!

Today Dr. Cooney is retiring from his practice, I probably wore him out. One can not imagine how glad I am that he stuck around to save my life! If it were not for him, I truly believe that I might have exploded and would not be here today. I have not met his replacement yet, but I trust that he has picked his medical equal to take over his practice. I will be posting a picture of Dr. Cooney and I in the near future.

I met with a Dr. Teng at Stanford for my class II pap smear check up, and he told me that it is normal for chemo to cause abnormal paps. He gave me some Aci-gel to help repair any abnormalities, and then I will return in a month for a more definitive pap. He was a great doctor, and we made plans to talk about hormone replacement alternatives on my next visit. I have to decide whether to risk taking hormones for my early menopause, for I have such a rich history of breast cancer in my family. In the meantime, I will keep on popping Premarin and Provera!

Tomorrow morning, when I board the plane, I will feel strong and healthy. All the pain I had at this time 2 years ago is gone! Those mediocre doctors of my past have been replaced by the world's best! I have rebuilt myself and I am in control! I get to have fun now! I am thankful everyday that I do not itch! Ha Ha!