3/4/96
This is my last energetic day before MOPP, so I have been running around trying to get everything in order before my cells are drenched with chemo. I must make the most out of chemo by really concentrating on positive images, and following my own visualizing advice.

Right now, the hardest part of dealing with Hodgkin's is taking care of my daughter who just turned five last week. We are very close and it feels cruel to have to tell her that some days I can not touch her. It is especially hard when, like last week, I had dangerously low WBC counts and she had a cold. She was suddenly the enemy, and I began to view her as a giant petri dish trying to infect me. But luckily those times have been few, and we have been able to spend a lot of time together these past weeks. I am being positive!

I will be chemo'd out for the next few days, but shall return ASAP!

3/6/96
I am amazed at how good I feel today after chemo yesterday, and I am sure that it had a lot to do with my now low level of disease, or maybe it was my reaffirmation to be positive and use my visualizations like a workout, or perhaps it was my lucky black sports chemo bra I wore for easy port access. Anyway, this was my second cycle of MOPP, well, actually more like MOPE, because the Procarbinzine which I am allergic too was replaced with a drug that starts with an E.

Yesterday, right before chemo, I got my WBC counts back after 4 days of Neupogen and a ton of "White Blood Cell Blort Bump" visualizing. I went from 2,800 to 28,000 in 4 days with 84% being the kind that fight infection, and that is over twice what normal counts should be. That definitely means my marrow is working! I doubt that even MOPE can knock it down too far.

3/8/96
Today I saw Dr. Cooney for a post chemo check up, and the usual blood count update, which showed my WBC count at 16,000. Everyone at his office told me how great I am doing, and Dr. Cooney told me, "You are doing so well, I am really pleased!" I am beginning to feel that this is just a phase in my life, and one day I will not be bald headed, chemo'd out leper of sorts.

My next chemo is on Tuesday, MOPE again, and I should feel just as good as I did from this last round. Brittany just left for a weekend visit with friends, and now it is time for me to relax and rest and eat!

3/12/96
Today was a Chemo Day! I began my trip to the hospital by almost getting in an accident on the freeway in the rain. It was not the first time since my diagnosis, in fact I seem to have a near miss every time I drive now. I guess it will be a while before the outside world feels normal to me!

Once I was safe on the freeway, I drove to Dr. Cooney's office for a blood count, which showed my WBCs at 16,000. I went right over to the hospital for my chemo. I was put into a room with a woman who had a lung transplant, a man getting a heart biopsy, a woman getting a stitch put in her pick catheter, and a woman with a recent Mastectomy.

I had a great nurse who suggested that she use a little Lidocaine so that the port needle would not hurt. What a difference it made! Once the port needle was in place, the nurse gave me my anti-nausea premeds to keep me from puking. The nurse told me that the drug, Nitrogen Mustard, is the most nausea producing chemo drug there is, which is why anti-nausea drugs have to be administered first. Just knowing that drug was going to be pushed into my blood stream made me slightly nauseated. But the part I cannot forget is the smell and taste I get when the mustard is injected. It penetrates my sinuses, and I have to put apricot lotion on my nose to camouflage it.

The entire administering of MOPE was about 2 hours, that is a record! I have been resting most the day just trying to feel comfortable. I seem to feel a bit sluggish, probably due to back-to-back chemo and the anemia still lingering after so many blood cultures. I get a weird type of dizzy when I stand after sitting for a while, so I have to watch myself and sit back down a lot. My blood pressure drops, then my head spins, and my legs become heavy and I can feel the strength being sucked right out of them. It is a case of low blood volume, but the doctor is not concerned about it, so another transfusion may not be in order. That thrills me, because there is nothing more bizarre than feeling somebody else's cold blood running down a tube into your arm.

3/15/96
I am really wiped out today! I just got back from my doctor appointment, and found out my WBC count dropped 13,000 in just 2 days. It is now 2,800 from 16,000. Dr. Cooney said that was normal, and because 2,400 of the WBCs are the bacteria fighting kind, he does not think I am in any danger of infections. But since he thinks my count will drop even more over the next few days, he is having me take Neupogen everyday for the next week. My friend Tina who comes over to give me my Neupogen, I'm sure, is thrilled to know she gets to jab me all week!

I always give Dr. Cooney a run down on how I feel since I last saw him. This time I told him about pressure in my chest, pain in my bones, and general achiness. All normal according too him, in fact they are classic side effects of Neupogen. So I guess that is what I have to look forward to next week. Other than that, I am supposed to fatten myself up and drink lots of fluids to build up my also dropping RBC count.

I have lots of visualizing to do! I am going to put together a Visual Workout that includes rebuilding: WBCs, RBCs, and Platelets.

And I don't have chemo for almost 2 weeks! Maybe I can have some fun!

3/18/96
I have been angry all week-end! I want to tell everyone to go to hell! I even want to tell my cats to go to hell, and they have done nothing other than be cats. If anyone finds this inappropriate, then they can get out of my site! I can be angry and still be positive, positively angry! First of all let me scream at the top of my lungs, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

You know, I can't imagine yelling loud enough right now!

Why am I so angry? Let's see, could it be that I am poisoned with chemo repeatedly, or perhaps it has something to do with not being able to eat this week-end, or it could be this week's constant feeling of nausea, or maybe it is because I have to endure bone pain for another week to get my WBC count up just in time to be knocked down again, or could it be that I feel like crap and will keep feeling like crap through July. Oh, wait a minute, what about the fact that when this is over it is not over, there will likely be radiation and maybe a bone marrow transplant, or maybe it is the threat of a relapse that will now be a part of my life forever!

Right now, I blame chemo for everything! I hate it! It is like voluntarily letting somebody assault me! Once the chemo has invaded my body it launches a battle, then it kills and kills and kills! It is a poisonous rape, and I wish I could turn myself inside out and hose myself off!

I cannot ignore my anger, and I know I need to be positive, but I do not want to bury my anger and have it retaliate on me one day! I just want to feel normal again, and I want to know without a doubt that after all this poisoning is done, I can lead a normal life! I will never have that guarentee! That makes me mad!

Don't tell me you understand unless you have experienced cancer and chemo, or some other life-threatening illness. There is no way you could understand without filling similar shoes, and you have no idea how lucky you are!

Thank you! Now I feel better!

3/21/96
I am not angry anymore, which is good because I think it affected my recovery from my last chemo. My WBCs were dangerously low at 600 yesterday, I have a cold, and today I am off for a blood transfusion. It seems that I have about half the normal amount of blood, which explains the pounding in my ears, and it is probably why when I stand up it feels like my blood level barely reaches my shoulders.

I must confess that I have not been doing my visualizations due to feeling crummy and feeling angry, until last night at 3 am, when I got my temperature to go down a point by visualizing Michael Jackson helping me do the "Blort Bump" to his song "Beat It." I had to get my temp down, for if I did not, I would have had to go straight to the hospital. And speaking of the hospital, I have to go right now to get some nice red blood. See you later when my lips are red instead of white.

3/22/96
I am full of blood and my WBC count jumped up to 8,000 today, thanks to three pints of blood, a lot of Neupogen, and a lot of visualizing of Michael Jackson doing the "WBC Blort Bump." Can you imagine Michael doing the "WBC Blort Bump" with a Blort, and then dancing his classic way as white +'s fly out of his hands and burst into white blood cells. It makes the whole thing electric!

I had a good talk with my doctor today, and I left his office feeling rather positive. He told me that he wants to re-stage me, which means he will do a bone marrow extraction and cat scan to see where I am with the disease. I asked him what he will do if he finds nothing, and he said, "I'll be very happy, and then I'll give you three more rounds of chemo anyway!" He also told me that as far as a bone marrow transplant goes, he would not be interested in my sister as a donor because she is not a complete match. Then he said that only if I had a reoccurrence would I even need a BMT, and then they would harvest my own stem cells for the transplant. He also mentioned that some radiation is in my future, so now it is time for me to learn about being radiated. All I know now is that it is like getting sunburned, and that eating a bagel can make your throat feel like you swallowed a tennis ball for three days.

I did not expect that this Chemosite would be my way of introducing my Blorts too the world, but that is what has happened. So now, getting my Planet Blortland up is very important to me! I am going to get up tomorrow and work on it all day! I will probably get a lot of complaints about the size and amount of art in my site, but it will not work without the art just the way it is. Technology will catch up, and I will be ready! I have to believe I am right.

3/23/96
This is the best I have felt in years, and I have the whole day to do whatever I want! I just bounced on my rebounder to Michael Jackson's Thriller album, and while I was doing it, something dawned on me! If I can imagine Michael Jackson shooting WBCs out of his hands, then I can imagine them flying out of my hands too. So I bounced, and did the "WBC Blort Bump" and to my surprise it was easy to see WBCs flying out of my hands! I will now add a "WBC Rebounder Routine" to this site which means more art, but it is time for something new. Rebounding gets the Lymphatic System moving, and the bouncing to music has an instantaneous positive affect on the brain. Plus, it is time I add a physically active exercise to my Hodgkin's Workout. It is amazing what happens to a visualization when you have endorphins in your brain and sweat on your skin. It becomes explosive!

I am beginning to think that an exercise video for chemo patients is in order, and if Michael Jackson would do it with me we could cure millions. Hey Michael, I know you are looking for new animation projects and new characters, so if you are reading this, I have an entire planet for you!

I have two weeks off of chemo, and I almost don't know what to do with all that feeling good time. I am going too start myself on my "Back to Fitness" program, which I always use as a pre-workout type of workout with calisthenics, stretching, and now a little rebounding, yoga and visualizing thrown in. I must get into the bet shape I can to prepare for the next chemo hit, so maybe it won't be such a roller coaster ride! Why not get "Chemo Fit?"

So now I need to do what a friend of mine says, "How good can you stand it," and what my dad said, "Keep that visualizing going," and what my daughter said, "Be brave," and what my doctor said, "Be tough and be positive."

All I need is blood, oxygen, food, water, and sleep!

3/25/96
My hair is falling out again, fast! Since my last head shaving, my hair grew back about half an inch, but all along it has been thinning out. Yuck. I prefer my head clean shaven bald, so I am getting the chemo-covered fuzz shaved tonight. I will look like an alien, and I'll feel like one too!

I have been thinking about some of the minor highlights of these past few weeks, like the day I finally gave myself a Neupogen shot. It was the day I found out my WBC counts were at 600. Tina had already given me my normal shot earlier that day when I got a call from Dr. Cooney informing me of my low counts, my next days transfusion, and that I must give myself more Neupogen. I did not want to ask Tina to come out a second time, so I decided to do it myself. I had to do a full ampoule, and my syringes held about half of that, so I had to give myself two shots. I filled up the syringes, used tons of alcohol on everything, I put Brittany in charge of Band-Aids, and I prepared to harpoon myself. I laid on my back, pinched some flesh on my lower stomach, then I took the needle and aimed it hard. It went right in and I felt nothing. Whew! The second time was different, the needle bounced off my stomach. I was afraid I had a dull needle, but knew I had to use it because Neupogen is too expensive to waste. I waited about a second, and then I jabbed the needle in. Yikes, I did it!

Another highlight has to do with Blortland, the thing I always planned to do at 40, and although I am 40, I never thought it would be this way. Yesterday, I released Blorts onto the world when I got my Planet Blortland Website up on my server. When I was fourteen, I knew Blorts would somehow save me, and now they are in a weird way! Blortland has been so long in the making, and for so long it has all been in my head, so maybe you can imagine what a monumental moment this is for me! And a relief!

3/26/96
It is almost 1:30 AM and I should be asleep, but I am too busy juggling in my head how I am going to get myself to the doctor, Brittany to the doctor, myself to my support group, and Brittany to an Easter Egg Hunt. That all sounds easy to most people, but not when germs can kill you and kids begin to look like giant petrie dishes. When germs are your enemy, the world takes on a whole new look. Everything is out to get you, and the places you feel safe are very few. You never leave the house without a mask!

I feel as if my WBCs are dropping, it's the same feeling I had last week when my counts plummeted. It's not too bad, but I better visualize tonight. I guess I'll try to get a nap tomorrow, because no sleep can be detrimental to my health. I can't think about it or I will never sleep. Now I will tell myself to sleep, "SLEEP!"

Like I was going to listen to myself! I think I need my head shaved! I think I will stretch, do my little mix of exercises, visualize, sleep, and eat a lot of vegetables, wild rice, yogurt and the like. I can make a difference in two days, you see, I used to be a bodybuilder, and the last week before a contest we changed the look of our muscles with a pre-contest diet. Of course, that is all another story.

Now it is 10:00 AM, and I really should be napping, but instead I just did some low impact rebounder visualizing and floor exercises. I really think that exercise has to be a good thing for me right now, because then maybe I can trick my body into thinking I am too busy to be sick. It is like when I used to workout like a maniac in my bodybuilding days, and my period stopped for two years. My body thought I was too busy to have a baby, so it protected me! It makes sense to me anyway.

You know what I just asked myself for the first time, "Why me?" Then I thought about how differently I view the world, and I will tell you this, "Money cannot buy perspective!" This kind of new outlook has a totally different kind of price, and I just have to live through it! Plus the whole thing really is fascinating!

3/28/96
All my visualizing worked again, my WBC count was 16,000 yesterday and all my other counts were steady or slightly up. My appetite is slightly down, and my weight is slightly down, so I better eat! Also, my doctor told me exercise would likely do me some good, but I must only exercise for half an hour and I must keep it very low impact. We also discussed my re-staging, which starts with a bone marrow extraction on April 1, next Monday. Imagine your bones, imagine how hard they are, then imagine trying to get what is inside of them out, ouch! Lucky for me, Dr. Cooney has granted my wish to be knocked out for the event , so it will be a good time for me to catch up on some sleep.

This is one of my better weeks, and I have been able to spend a lot of time with Brittany. She is only five years old, so she understands my being sick one minute and then she gets upset by all my restrictions the next. I find myself being the nicest mommy alive when I feel good, probably out of guilt, and I must ignore any comments I get on my spoiling her. Only those in my shoes could completely understand, and that is OK!

I have another reason to want good times with Brittany, for my getting cancer is a bit of a deja vu for me. You see, when I was 22 months old, my biological mother, Jackie, died of Breast Cancer, and four days later my biological father, Wally, killed himself. My mother died nine months after her diagnosis, and during that time they hand picked our adoptive parents. They were lucky to have found new parents for me, my sister and my brother. It must have been such a relief to them, and I have always felt lucky to have grown up the way I did. I grew up in a big family, a big house, lots of outdoors, lots of animals, and no TV, which all allowed my imagination to go wild so I could become whatever I wanted. Plus, without the exact string of events that occurred in my life, Blortland would not exist, and that is about the only thing I could never imagine! I still cannot help but wish I could remember my earlier life, and I am grateful that getting cancer has allowed me to feel what Jackie must have felt! The irony of cancer and suicide is that with cancer you really want to live, and with suicide you really want to die. Why didn't Jackie and Wally switch brains!

Today my doctor friend Veronica is coming over to shave my head, which works out great, because my usual head shaver is sick with a cold, and I cannot risk having her cooties attack me! Not only is Veronica an experienced head shaver from shaving her surgery patients, but she also has HD patients of her own. She always explains my disease to me in a positive scientific way, in fact she has been one of my medical consultants to add accuracy to my visualizations.

I would like to thank all the people who have sent me messages, telling me about themselves and how much my site has inspired them. It is the greatest therapy for me to know I can help others, so please keep the messages coming. Also, I plan to add many of your stories to my site, for your stories are inspiring too!