5/1/96
This will be my 41rst birthday, and it will not be a chemo day! Thank you Dr. Cooney!

5/3/96
I feel pretty good today, in fact, I even went shopping and ran a few errands. I was in a GNC store buying papaya enzymes (with my mask on), and the store manager said, "Allergies, huh?" I decided to agree, 'Yah, they are the worst they have ever been this year." Then he proceeded to tell me about the mold in the air conditioning units that he was allergic to. I immediately thought, that could explain why wearing a mask inside was not that odd. He was so captivated by my mask that he asked me where he could buy one. The whole incident made me feel kind of normal.

I have chemo on Monday, my doctor is bombarding me. It is better that way, because then it will be over that much sooner. This time I get MOPE, which means I will get the second dose the following Monday. The thing I don't like about MOPE is that on day five of the second dose, my tongue looks rotten. Yuck, I hope you are not eating. My tongue gets a thick gray coat on it that I literally scrape off a few days later. It is disgusting. It is caused by the top layer of cells being killed by the chemo, and that just makes me wonder what the inside of my stomach must look like. On those days everything tastes and feels weird, and I have to eat bland pudding like foods. At least I can plan ahead, and this time I think I will use the Stanford mouth wash that has antibiotics in it to help mouths sore. One positive thing is that I end up with a layer of fresh new cells on my tongue. I am in constant regeneration.

5/6/96
I just had chemo an hour and a half ago. In the hospital I got put into the room where people get their stem cells harvested for bone marrow transplants (BMTs). There were two people who were getting their cells harvested, and they were each hooked onto big harvesting machines. There were four machines in the room, and I cracked up when I saw that the staff had given them each a name, Dr. Drano, All Day Sucker, Leecho-Matic, and Thirsty. It is good to see that there is humor in it all. I ended up talking to the guy who was hooked up to Thirsty, and he told me that he was having no problem with any part of the BMT procedure. He was a very positive person! He said something that was a good reminder for me, "It makes a difference how you go into it." "It" meaning chemo or a BMT. It gave me the idea that maybe I should do a sort of pre-chemo visualization to prepare my brain to think I will not get nauseous. It can be like the premeds I get just before chemo. I can do it for next week.

While I waited to get chemo I wrote a top ten list of reasons why you should shave your head. I am going to create a Top Ten page, and then I am going to lie down and watch TV. I am lucky that I like TV, because I sure have watched a lot of it these past months. I am also lucky that while I rest, my two sites are out in the world working for me! I am amazed at all the mail I get from both sites, but I get the most satisfaction when I get a message from someone inspired by my site. Keep them coming!

My WBC counts were at 5,800, and my doctor told me about what he saw on my cat scan film. He said that everything was gone from my stomach and pelvis, even on the right side of my pelvis where I had a big mass that he was worried about. All that is left is a smaller mass in my chest area, which will need radiation down the line. Dr. Cooney said I was doing "really well," and that he is "pleased." I am pleased too!

I am now at least half way done with chemo, and I have got to get the second half to go directly to my chest. I want all of it to be gone and stay gone, for I have decided that I am going to make sure I do not have a reoccurrence. I do not think I was meant to have it twice, this once is enough to make me change my life. I have woken up and gotten the hint, cancer has done it's job!

5/8/96
I got out of the house today for a few hours, and I must say that I felt fairly normal. I have not felt too nauseous today, and I think I know why. I drank tons of water and juices and broth on chemo day, and then kept it up yesterday and part of today. I have done my best to flush the chemo out of my body, for it only sits around taking it's toll on my vital organs. Also I ate a lot of fresh cut up, peeled fruits and cooked vegetables prepared by my mother, all foods that move quickly through ones body. So once again I was able to get that persistent chemo out of my body, for the chemo must be removed once it does it's dirty work. It may sound strange, but I can actually smell the chemo, so I keep guzzling fluids until the smell disappears!

Somebody asked me what I feel others, who aren't sick and never have been, should know. First of all, when I was first diagnosed I felt powerless and sick. I needed some power back, and my first step was to cut off my hair before it fell out in handfuls. After that I accepted my diagnosis, and even found the entire ordeal fascinating. The hardest part of finding out I had cancer was telling my friends and family, partly because it was not great news and partly because I had little energy to deal with dropping such a bomb. I preferred to have someone else inform others, it was a relief, especially during the initial chemo, surgery, hospital stays, medications and trauma of trying to get through the day. I had a lot of venting to do, and I appreciated anyone who listened to my tales of the good the bad and the very ugly! I never wanted anyone's sympathy, I wanted people to know that I am strong and I am going to live. I insist!

Another thing that people should know is that going through chemotherapy makes one need to become overly wary of germs. People should know that germs are everywhere, and a chemo patient feels very isolated from the outside world that resembles a giant bacteria mold ready to attack them. We are not even supposed to peel our own fruit due to the bacteria hiding on the skin, so offer to wash, peel and cut fruit for a chemo ridden person. When you serve it, do not cough or sneeze on it. I know someone with Leukemia who got sneezed on and then ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. So sneeze by yourself, and throw away the Kleenex after you blow your nose. The world becomes a potential enemy, and that should be respected!

Also keep in mind that going through any life threatening illness is going to feel like an emotional roller coaster, so expect a lot of crying. Crying is good, and who knows if chemo needs to get out through the tear ducts too. So crying should not be discouraged for it is a sort of release of all those fears that one feels when life might not be as long as one planned.

It is also important to, be positive and talk about the future, and that will help enforce the will to live! And a big way to do that is to smile a whole lot!

One more thing, know that being diagnosed with cancer can become the greatest eye opener in one's life. Life becomes clear, simple, and the heightened sense of just being alive makes life brand new. It's a feeling that cannot be bought and cannot be taught, unless you are told you might die! So be a little envious of a sick person's new outlook on life.

I am in good shape for more chemo tomorrow, and I can tell that my blood counts were not very damaged this last week. I have been eating really well and really fresh! Food tastes best to me if I keep it as close to it's natural state, very simple! Why change a mango, just eat it. How about a Cornish game hen, just cook it, salt it and eat it hot! Yum! Asparagus and broccoli and Swiss chard taste great steamed with a bit of butter and salt! Or how about fresh trout steamed with lemon juice and a dash of salt, like I had tonight. Tasty! I am all stocked up with the perfect foods for this week, I have fresh pea pods, asparagus, artichokes, broccoli, potatoes, salmon, Cornish game hens, steak, three kinds of melons, mangos, a big Mexican papaya, and gallons of juices and nectars. I shall eat and drink nonstop, and flush the chemo away! It is a full-time job!

5/10/96
I just gave myself my Neupogen shot, and that is always a big relief! I always wait until the afternoon to shoot myself, because that is about as long as I can put if off. To celebrate my shot, I am cooking myself a Cornish Game Hen that I will eat, before I turn it into soup. You see, my throat and stomach are a bit raw today, as usual on day five after chemo, so I must only eat non irritating foods for a day or two. I am prepared, for this chemo thing has become like clockwork for me.

I feel so good today that I am going to take advantage of the situation and add more pages to my sites. Maybe my Blortsite will get an award for the biggest most graphic intensive never-ending site! I cannot help but keep it growing, for much of Blortland is still in my head. Getting sick has helped me focus my energy so that Blorts can explode around the world, just as I planned when I was fourteen. I have waited for 25+ years to make Blortland real, and I always knew that I had a lot to learn before I could do Blortland justice. The funny thing is that I always told myself that I would make Blorts my life when I turned forty, and I guess the alarm clock in my head really works. Now I must plan my next forty years!

5/12/96
Gosh, who is on Prednisone? Could it be me? Well, it is almost 2am and I am still wide awake. I would really like to sleep, but when I put my head down, it feel like a big pulsating bulb. Pregnisone makes me want to leap out of my skin, kind of like PMS on steroids! Actually Prednisone is a steroid, and steroids always make one feel like a wild crazed maniac. I know what the Energizer Bunny feels like, and if I had a battery I would take it out!

I have the second half of MOPE tomorrow, and it is the back to back one that tends to knock me out. By Friday, I will have the tongue rotting thing, but at least I will be done with the Prednisone craze on Wednesday. I plan to sleep a lot! But then again, I may do better this time, because I really think that flushing the chemo out of my body during the first couple of days really makes a difference. That way the chemo doesn't just sit there and make me sick, and I don't get nauseous. During last week's chemo, I drank tons of fluids and ate lots of fresh mangos and asparagus, and flushed the chemo dregs out of me in a few days. It is the first time that I have not thrown up! There just had to be an answer to my nausea!

5/13/96
I just had chemo an hour ago, so my window of feeling good is clamping down on me. I just wanted to shout this out first, I just had my last MOPE I hope! My WBC count was 17,600, but my RBCs and platelets were a tad bit low. So I am a touch anemic, but I can't really notice it too much. I had a good time in chemo talking to a guy I have done chemo with before, and he always has tons of information to share with me. He told me that he never gets nauseous, but guess all my nausea talk with him and the nurses made him feel sick. Just before I left he was throwing up, so I gave him some mints that I hope helped. He was grateful and smiled!

The happy thing today is that Dr. Cooney and I actually talked about the end of all this. I have 2 more rounds of ABVD in June and July, then I get a month off in August where I will be restaged, and then I will get about 6 weeks of radiation in September and October. He told me that I should be done by Thanksgiving and that I should feel good on Christmas. Of course all this could change, so I will be prepared for that.

Now I am going to do my fluid and food flushing, while I rest in bed and wait for my mom to come by to help out tonight.

5/15/96
Yuck! I am a bit chemoed out! My head wants to explode when I stand up, so I have to stand up very slowly. I over did it yesterday, because I just had to make some major changes in my Blortsite. I have been on Netscape's "What's New" list for 2 weeks, and I get about 30,000 hits a day from it! I am able to watch how people look at my site, and I have gotten a lot of feedback, so I had to jump on the changes. I added drama to the Mystery Tour, which entailed more art, editing the entire tour, and testing it! It took me all day! And just a minute ago, I added the Blortland Gift Dome! It is 100% better now, so now I can collapse!

I am going to attempt to go out in the pouring rain in a bit, for I need to get a refill on my Zophran! I am doing my best to not puke! I have been eating fresh melons and mangos, fresh asparagus and pea pods, plain yogurt, avocado's and cottage cheese, homemade Cornish Game Hen soup, and I have been drinking tons of juices and nectars and water! I want to flush every spec of Nitrogen Mustard out of my body! It is the last of it I have to have, and I should throw a party! To let you know how gut wrenching and cancer ridding the stuff is, it was used in World War 1 as chemical warfare. The soldiers came home with destroyed bone marrow and later Leukemia, and that is how scientists discovered chemotherapy! Every time I have had it on my MOPP and MOPE cycles, the chemo injecting nurse always apologizes for the Mustard! I thank all those mustard sprayed soldiers, for they have helped me save my life! But, please hold the mustard from now on!

Guess what? This is my last day on Prednisone, and soon I will be able to sleep more than three or four hours a night! In fact, I shall do that sleeping starting tomorrow during the day! You know, it just dawned on me, I think this is the last Prednisone I will ever have to take. Wow, I have so many reasons to celebrate!

It is later now, and I made it to the store for my Zophran, and even managed to do some grocery shopping. I must have looked like a wrath, for I look a little hollow today and I am in a constant state of sweat! I did not care, I just gathered my food and dragged it home. It was worth it, for I just ate some delicious fresh cooked spinach, pea pods, asparagus and chicken! I am going to top it off with tons of Gatorade, it is the drink of choice for chemoed out people you know! Now it is time to be a mommy, and take my last Prednisone! Things are looking up, I'm going to enjoy feeling better every day! It is not too much to ask for a new life!

5/16/96
I must say that this is the best time on Earth's history to be sick! I could be home feeling isolated, but instead I am connected to the world on the web! You might even say that I have traveled the world, because my Blorts are being visited by every net-connected country, and Blorts are really just an extension of me! We are everywhere!

No more Prednisone starting today, but my body does not know it yet. My heart is going boom boom boom! I still feel relaxed, because I know sleep is just around the corner! Being so awake these past 10 days has made me burn lot of calories, in fact, I am the lightest I have been since this began. I actually feel in good shape, and plan to start back up with my "Back to Fitness" work out! It is time to rebuild, and make my body strong again! Besides, I doubt there is a spec of cancer in me anymore!

My next job is to learn more about radiation, so that I can slide through it unharmed. The radiation is just a precaution against a relapse, so I plan to welcome it! I will be using my sister's Flower Imagery that she used during radiation for breast cancer. She is the one who got me started on the visualizations in the first place, so it seems so natural to end my treatments by being a flower too!

5/19/96
I have had a few days of feeling wiped out and achy! The Neupogen is doing it's WBC making work, and I can feel it in my bones. If I did not feel the pain, I would worry that it was not working, so I am being thankful for the constant sharp achy Neupogen reminders. While I am complaining, I might as well mention the rawness of my mouth, tongue and stomach. They are raw! My tongue is slightly disgusting, but I think it is about to regenerate! I cannot wait for the icky taste to go away, for I must constantly eat or gargle just to get rid of the lingering taste. Some people call it a metallic taste, but I have never eaten metal, so it does not seem familiar to me. I plan to just forget about in that part of the brain I do not use!

I am pretty sure that I have a few weeks off before the next chemo! I am going to attempt to be normal, and maybe even go up in the hills to see my parents. I also plan to take Brittany to the park to feed ducks, and then I might just find another park to take a walk in, and another to just look at all the flora! For me, a walk will be major exercise, and my body will respond quickly, it always has! I am lucky I have my Body building fitness knowledge, because I know exactly what I need to do to get back to fitness! It is like eating, simple and basic and natural. As soon as I know my WBC counts are OK, which is on Tuesday, I will begin working out. There is no need to start now, for if my counts are low it will be fruitless to build one tiny muscle, for my body does not need to be overloaded. I will do some stretching though! There, I just did some, and I can feel the oxygen running through my body! It makes me feel alive!

5/21/96
I just got back from the doctor, and it looks like all my blood counts are low. My WBC count was 1,600, but 1,200 of them are the kind that fight infection, so I am not in any real danger. I am back to having about 1/2 the blood volume again, and I may need a transfusion. We are going to try to get my body to rebuild my blood by itself though rest and food. It is time to do the "RBC Blort Flip" and the "WBC Blort Bump" again! I guess I need to succumb to lying in bed and not exerting myself too much. I wish my mind would agree with my body at times like this, for my mind wants to work overtime. So why don't I just use all my mind energy by doing a big visualization workout! OK, I talked myself into it!

I have not been sleeping much either, so why don't I just go eat and visualize and then take a nap. My head does feel like exploding a bit, so I think it is time to put on one of my many night gowns and be a bovine in bed. What a good idea!

It is five minutes later, and I just gave myself my Neupogen shot a little earlier in the day than usual. I think my body could use the boost, especially since I know that I will be spending at least five hours with my daughter tonight. I will have to hose her off when she gets home, just to make sure all those little Pre-K germs go down the drain. She is not going to be happy that I will have a mask on when she gets home, but I will find a way for us to have some fun. I definitely need to get my blood back up, because I promised her that we would go to the park this weekend. I am not supposed to any extraneous exercise today, but let's hope a walk in the park is OK on Sunday! I don't think a duck is going to chase me, and I can walk very slow and picnic under a tree. I am going to the park! I need the change of scenery and the fresh air!

5/23/96
I can't decide what to do? My doctor wants me to try to let my body build my blood back up by itself, instead of getting a transfusion. The problem is that I have a long weekend coming with my five year old, and I just don't know how I am supposed to get enough rest and be a good mommy at the same time. My head pounds when I move too fast, or when I lie down. Sitting around and resting is not my forte! I have been doing my visualizations, and I think they are helping, but it will take weeks to do what a transfusion could do in a day. I want to be able to stand up and feel like my blood goes to the top of my head! I think I need to call my doctor!

I just left a message for my doctor, but either way, I see him tomorrow for a blood check. I am getting the pounding in my head all the time now! I think I should go lie down and do the RBC Blort Flip!" I need red blood cells badly! The part that gets me the most, is that I dread having Brittany come home from school. I feel guilty for dreading it, but I just want to be left alone when I feel like this. I know it won't be forever, but to a five year old it must seem endless. I must snap out of it! I have got to think about what to make for dinner, and some sort of relaxing game we can play. All I can think of is reading and drawing and TV. Where is a time machine when one needs one? Wait a minute, I will let her cut and glue, that is her favorite! See, it's not the end of the world!

5/24/96
No transfusion today! I just got back from the doctor, and my counts are all up. My WBC's are 9,900 from 1,600, my RBC's are 7.4 from 6.8, and my platelets are up to a point my doctor said keeps me out of the bleeding zone. So I guess I am going to build my blood back up by myself, so I must keep up the visualizations. I put the RBC Blort Flip page from my site up on my computer, which is right next to my bed. I just stare at it, then I close my eyes and let them flip and flip and flip. For some reason they want to jump off a diving board, so I am letting them! Sometimes Blorts have a mind of their own!

I am no longer worried about taking care of Brittany this weekend, we actually had a pleasant evening last night. She keeps talking about the ducks we are going to feed on Sunday, and she has it in her mind that we will be bringing home a duck egg. I hope we don't find one, because I do not know how I can convince her that we cannot take the duck egg home. Anyway, I am looking forward to a picnic in the park, with fresh air, new scenery and no germs! Going to Paris wouldn't be any better!

It is night now, and I am so cold. I ate some asparagus and melon today, but I just don't have it in me to fix myself anything else. I fed Brittany, and we played with her Barbie's, but now I am ready to pass out. I have about 15 minutes before I can get her to bed, and then I am going to collapse. I still have the sweats, Dr. Cooney told me it was the Etopicide (the E in MOPE). Anything that ends in -cide, cannot me good! Tonight, I am going to dream about blood, lots of nice red blood cells! I better do the RBC Blort Flip like a mad person. Now that I am on a roll, I have cramps too, you see, my period still exists! I was told it would go away, but it has yet to do so. Can't you tell I am PMS'd out, anemic, and just a plain old rag! It has not started yet, but it will, and when it does I will suddenly feel calm. I want to put myself in a time machine, make some blood, and then return. I will get over this! I will, I will, I will!

5/26/96
No ducks today. Brittany spent the night at a friends house last night, so we are going to go to the park first thing in the morning. I am hoping that the thought of feeding ducks in the morning will help me get her to bed tonight. I will tell her that she needs to go right to sleep so that she is not too tired to go to the park. I can also tell her to dream about ducks, especially baby ducks! I have got it made in the getting rest department tonight!

I just found a small lump in my arm pit. It is probably nothing, but I do not like it. I see my doctor Tuesday morning, so I just have to try to forget about it until then. I am not sure how good I will be about that, for all I can think is that I just don't need this. How could any new cancer grow with all this chemo? It just can't be cancer! I have got to stop thinking about it and concentrate on building my blood. I am hoping my doctor laughs at me when I point out the tiny little lump. I want him to tell me it could not possibly be cancer, and that I should not be so neurotic. That would make me feel good!

Now it is time to remind myself of some positive things, like no chemo for a week or maybe two, which means I can get a lot of work done on my Blortsite. I need to gather my notes and create my new webmaze game. I must continue to empty my brain onto my computer, for I must get as much of Blortland realized as I can. I wish I was a hundred people so I could work as fast as I can think, and one day I will have at least that many people helping me make my planet come to life! I have to live a long time, that is all there is to it!

5/29/96
I am very tired today! I went to the doctor yesterday and had a blood work up that revealed all my counts going up nicely, except for my RBCs. Here are the results: WBCs 14,600 (13,100 granulocytes), RBCs 7.5 (up from 7.4, and they need to be at least 10.0 for chemo), Platelets 64 (they were 17 last Friday, 11 the Monday before, and 150 is normal). That little lump under my arm pit disappeared Monday night, and probably was just some sort of blocked duct. Yay!

I am a white lipped wonder again, along with the head pounding and forgetfulness. I had trouble visualizing over the long Memorial weekend, for every time I tried, I'd lose concentration. I did get in ten or so minutes of "RBC Blort Flipping" yesterday and another ten today, but I need to keep trying even if it takes five hours just to get in a good 15 minutes of visualizing. It should get easier as the days go by. The good news is that I took my last shot of Neupogen yesterday, which should help take away that lovely achy feeling.

I have been taking Halcion to help me sleep for the past week or so, but last night I took a half and was still able to sleep. I decided I needed to stop taking it, because I was beginning to think that it might be one of the culprits in my RBCs not responding quickly. Who knows if I am right, but I should to be off it anyway.

Brittany and I went to the park on Monday and we saw at least a hundred ducks. She tried to get a baby duck to go into her purse, and she was very disappointed that we came home without one. When we came home, we looked up ducks on the net to find out how to take care of a pet duck. I think she talked me into getting her one later this summer. She wants to hatch an egg so that the baby duck will imprint on her, and then she can be it's mommy. Pretty smart!

This weekend I am going to go see Brittany dance in a Mary Poppins recital, but I will stay just for her performance. I will get dressed up in my wig and a dress that goes with a blue mask. I am very glad I am going, for last year I was too sick to enjoy her Alice In Wonderland show. I was thin and weak and itchy! Now I am just a little thin, bald and happy.

I want to work on the new game I am creating, but instead I am going to make a good healthy meal, rest and visualize. Good girl!

5/31/96
I started to feel better last night! I think my RBCs are finally getting to the level where they fill my toes and my head at the same time. I still have a tad bit of head pounding and sweats. I go from freezing to hot and sweaty in seconds, so I guess my body needs more blood to help me regulate my body temperature. I have done a lot of resting and eating and some visualizing. I will visualize to music today, for that is the key element I have been missing. I did do a variation on my usual RBC Blort Flip, by having Scott Hamilton the ice skater do back flips on the ice to Michael Jackson's "Beat it." I am so lucky to have such talented people help me visualize.

A few days ago, I was about to get out my hairdresser's phone number, but instead I got out a razor. Brittany covered my head with shaving cream and I started to shave my own head for the first time, but the electric water razor I was using got bogged down and began spewing hair and water everywhere. I then got very daring and got out a straight edge razor to continue shaving. It took an hour to get all my hair off, for I had more hair than I thought. Each time my head gets shaved, it comes back faster and thicker! I already have a fuzzy hairline. I think the Chia Pet look is a thing of the past! I will shave it again after my last chemo, for I must start my new hairdo with unchemo'd out sprouts.

Excuse me for this subject, but that period that I was expecting never came. I think the chemo finally did it's job on shutting that off. I expect it to return after chemo, even though I have been told it may not. I am supposed to be sterile from all this too, but I don't believe it! Actually, it is fine either way, I will let nature take it's course.

Oh, I worked on my Webmaze game yesterday. It is called "Yelly Goes Berserk!" I had it all mapped out on paper a week ago, so I knew exactly how to create it. It took 120 some files to create a tiny game, but I think it is sort of cute. It does not look complicated on the outside, in fact it is a very simple and quick game. It took me a while to come up with a game that could be done using just HTML, but often being limited makes one more creative. I will announce the game on the 7th, and it shall also be my next Blortland contest. The winner will get a giant 35" Blort. I am so relieved that I got it almost done, because I already announced the game and was afraid I would not have the energy to make my own deadline. What a relief!