10/1/96
I am about to go to the hospital for my first radiation treatment, and I just added my new Rad vs. Reed visualization to this site. I get to test it out today as 180 rads beam into my chest!

10/6/96
I have now had four invisible and painless treatments of radiation, only sixteen more to go for my chest. Other than a touch of a stomach virus, my only symptoms have been nausea. I am a nauseous person! I am now taking Compazine to alleviate that problem, and it works. I am supposed to take it right before my next set of rads, for after my last treatment, the nausea hit me within an hour as I was running three hours of errands in my hot black car. By the time I got to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled, I was holding my head with one hand and hanging onto the counter with the other. Plus, I was way over due for a meal, so a drop in my blood sugar added to my nauseous feeling. I won't let that happen again!

Every time I see a new doctor, nurses too, I ask them the same question, "Have you seen patients with the same stage of Hodgkin's as me, getting the same treatment as me, go on to never have the disease come back again?" So far, everyone at Stanford has been extremely positive, telling me I have everything going for me, youth, general health and a hearty ability to recover from the kind of chemo that often leaves patients looking and feeling sick. So their answers have been "yes!" and I believe them. It is important for me to believe that the radiation will annihilate any remaining HD, because once the last rad has zapped me, I will not have another form of treatment other than my own immune system. It may sound strange, but not having chemo was a bit scary, because I suddenly felt unarmed against the HD. Once radiation is over, I am sure that I will feel stripped of my HD fighting armor again. That is one reason I created a new visualization, a sort of HD Spy thing, featuring two spy Blorts, Wizdar and Tazzle. Their mission is to help me find any lingering HD cells, and keep an ongoing look out for new ones in the future. Check it out!

I went to the "Young People's Support Group" again, and I am going to try to go to them every week. There was a variety of people there, a guy with a recently diagnosed brain tumor, a guy in remission after two bouts of testicular cancer, a woman recovering from radiation treatments for ovarian cancer, a woman finishing up chemo for breast cancer, a guy recently diagnosed with Hodgkins 2A, and a Stanford student looking for subjects for his next film documentary project. It is fascinating and relaxing to be in a room full of people who have similar cancer caused imperfections as yourself. Nobody wears a facade!

I also found out that I could take Brittany with me to treatments, in fact, I did just that on Friday. She got to sit outside the radiation treatment room and view me on a TV screen. They gave her stickers and a lollipop, which is something nobody has done for me all year at the hospital. Her school seems to have a lot of days off these next few months, so now I don't have to worry about how I will juggle her with my radiation treatments. What a relief!

I got the official results back from my Lymphangiogram, which coincide with all the other results, shrunken abnormal looking lymph nodes that are normal for someone like me. It is like if you blow up a balloon, wait a few weeks, let the air out, you would have a misshapened balloon. Plus, that scar tissue thing will always leave little abnormalities in my body that will forever show up on scans, but without cutting me open, there is no definitive way to predict whether those abnormalities are 100% scar tissue or the hiding place for even 1% HD cells. According to the doctors, radiation should take care of any leftover HD cells, and luckily for me, HD cells are not just chemo-sensitive, but highly radio-sensitive too! I do not expect to hear the word "remission" to be applied to me until the last rad has has beamed into my body! Actually, I prefer the word "cured!"

10/9/96
I took a Compazine when I woke up, but I still have that heavy lump in my throat feeling. I rode my cycle anyway, and while I did, the endorphins kicked in and temporarily relieved my nausea. I am now on my way to an early radiation appointment, for I am getting my short sprouts lightened this afternoon. I got the idea when I got stuck in an elevator with a guy who had my hairdo, except it was lightened to a brightish yellowish white. His whole face lit up, so I decided that I will pick a slightly different color to uplift myself. I can't wait!

Yesterday I got back the results of my blood tests. They were a lot lower than I hoped for, WBC's were 3,300, Hemoglobin (RBC's) were at 10.6, Hematocrit was 31.0, and my platelets were 188. It is time to do some "WBC Blort Bumping" and "RBC Blort Flipping!" I plan to set some time aside after my hair apointment for some serious visualizations. I get my next blood test on Monday, and I am shooting for at stable blood counts or better. Every Monday is Blood test day, so every Tuesday shall be blood test results day.

10/11/96
Today was day nine of radiation, which means I have eleven more treatments to go for my chest. I forgot to take my Compazine before getting zapped, and I could feel a lump in my throat when they did the first half of my treatment. By the time I made it home, I felt a tad bit crummy, but nothing like I would have if I had just had chemo.

I went to the support group again, and we did artwork during the last hour. I drew a huge single flower that sat boldly on the page, it turned out to be me after chemo and radiation are over. I met another Hodgkin's mom who has a 4 1/2 year old son, so we have a lot in common. Besides her, there was a woman with all kinds of cancer, a woman with colon cancer, a woman with uterine cancer, two women with breast cancer, two people with Hodgkin's, and a guy who was HIV positive. It seemed like everyone there was artistic, in fact most of the cancer patients I have met seem to be artistic people. Hmmmmm?

I have been experimenting with a little animation program I found on the web. I am hooked on it! I have decided to toss in a little animation on both of my sites. I just animated my new spies visualization, and I would describe it as a sort of medical science fiction fantasy.

10/16/96
My eyes want to shut! I don't know if the radiation has just begun to take it's toll, or if the Compazine is making me sleepy, or if my bouts of insomnia are slowing me down. My guess is that the radiation has hit me, even the radiation staff told me that I seemed "Not so peppy" yesterday. I also starting having trouble swallowing when eating hot or warm food, bread, meat, or anything other than cold soft food. When I tried to eat a hot pretzel, I could feel it expand in my throat. My throat does that expanding thing sometimes when I am just doing nothing too. I also feel as though my chest, neck and upper back are sunburned, plus it looks a little red. I am slathering myself with Aloe Vera, Vitamin E oil and that magic lotion I got from the hospital. I just need to make it through the next half of my chest radiation. Ten more treatments to go, and then we move on to other body parts!

I told the doctor that I would like to be done with all my radiation by Christmas, or New Years Eve at the latest. That will make it an entire year that I have been ridding myself of this lovely HD. My doctor told me that she will keep my wishes in mind, and the only thing that might hold me back is low blood counts. My counts yesterday were better than I expected, WBC's were up a bit at 3,900, my Hemoglobin was up at 11.3, but my platelets were down at 166. If my platelets go down to 120, then I get to have a transfusion. I just realized that I never did a visualization for my platelets, so that is my job today!

Now for the most important news, today I am getting my sprouting locks lightened to a very dramatic blond look. I am nervous and excited, but I figure that this is the only time in my life that my hair will be short enough for this new hairdo to look good. I can always shave my head if I hate it!

10/18/96
I was very disappointed yesterday after talking to Dr. Knox, for I made the mistake of asking her about my getting done with radiation by Christmas. I had already asked the resident doctor earlier this week, and I got a positive answer back. I should have known that it was too good to be true. Dr. Knox did make sense though, she said that my counts are likely to drop as we radiate additional areas, because more of my marrow will be bombarded with accumulative rads. She would like to give me a week or two off between areas, so that my counts have a chance to recover. I guess I was really mad because I was so proud of my counts holding steady over these past few weeks, and I really thought that I could zip through all this with unscathed blood cells. And I still think I can. I wanted to be able to say that I spent the entire year of 1996 getting treatment, but no more. Now I have to add the month of Jan. '97. I really wanted 1997 to be the beginning of a new clean disease-free year, and I wanted it to be totally untarnished with any kind of drug or rad or anything medical. Who knows where my head was with those thoughts, for I know that I will forever be tested and watched like a warm petri dish for the rest of my life! In a way that makes me feel safe, unlike normal people who have to run around for years with undetected cancer. What a lucky girl I am!

Right after Dr. Knox told me that my radiation future would last a bit longer than 1996, I went to my support group. I was fine until we drew our pictures and I found myself drawing a mad face with nauseating colors smeared all over it. When it came time for me to show my artwork to the rest of the group, I got upset, and of course they got my anger out of me and I visibly lost it. I told them my disappointing news and they all listened as I grabbed a handful of Kleenex. I calmed myself down and had to get up to leave anyway, because I had to rush to pick up Brittany at school. As I left the support group room, I waved good-bye, and when I turned around as I walked through the door, I saw them all waving and blowing kisses at me. I can still see them, and now I know just how important it is that I keep going there! I will have that picture of them in my head forever!

Another reason I have been feeling a bit on the angry side is the fact that I am now in a constant state of mild nausea, especially in the morning, my throat feels as though a big lump is living inside of it, making breads and meats on my do not eat list, and my skin has that itchy slighty sunburned feeling, making some clothes once again uncomfortable to wear. To counteract these unpleasant thoughts I have come up with some positive ones like; I get to eat all the ice cream I want right now, I will be able to eat a steak in three weeks, I am resilient, I have two websites up, I am married and have a healthy, intelligent, funny, happy, beautiful child, I am done with chemo, all my re-staging tests came out as good as possible, I have a lot of family support, I have the beginnings of a fresh head of hair, I am going to Disneyland in February, I am going to a Writer's conference in March, I am going to visit my sister in the summer, I love my computer, and I do not have aids! And now I feel much better!

Today's hair report is that I love my new do. My new hairdresser made it light blond in a two-toned sort of way. It looks thick and healthy, and is very soft! He gave me some pomade to put into it which separates the strands into a stylish modern look. I kind of feel normal, my brand of normal that is! So there!

10/21/96
It's time to make as many WBC's as I can, regardless of any incoming rads that may try to slow down the process. See how this Blort is helping me make WBC's on his mini-WBC-making trampoline. Jump and flip and bounce and watch brand new smiling WBCs fly around and ready themselves for a happy fight!

I don't know about your bone marrow, but mine is having a party! All WBC's are invited, but if you are a surviving HD cell, don't try to crash it, for you shall be eaten. Sorry, that is the rules! Now reload this page and join the fun!

10/22/96
I am having a good day! I just saw Dr. Cooney after going five weeks between appointments, and he was very happy to see me. He even pretended like he did not recognize me, for I do look different with hair. He did the usual blood tests that showed my WBC's down slightly at 3,500, my RBC count (hemoglobin) was up a fair amount at 12.4, and my platelets were down a bit at 152. Dr. Cooney told me that he had taken a very close look at my bone marrow, and that it looked "normal." He said that the last re-staging had shown a lot of scar tissue in my marrow and now it was completely gone, negative! He even said "It is a miracle, for we usually think of scar tissue as permanent." I guess all my visualizing attention on my marrow has paid off, for I have kept my marrow dancing all year! One other interesting tidbit that Dr. Cooney told me was that 1 trillion cancer cells is about the maximum that a body can take, then it becomes incompatible with life. Then he told me that I had about ten trillion cancer cells, and then he showed me with his hands that I was inches away from not living. Then just before I left he said, "I could not be more pleased with how you are doing!"

I think I am going to live!

10/24/96
I do not feel good! My skin errupted yesterday during radiation, it instantly became red and bumpy and itchy. The technical term for this type of skin reaction is called Erythema, equal to a third degree sunburn. Very uncomfortable! I am now covered with a bunch of wound dressings called Vigilon. They look like flat square jellyfish, and they are very sticky. They would make a great kid's toy, especially if they were different colors. The nurse at the hospital put them all over my upper back, upper chest, and neck, then she tried to get them to stay in one place with tape and some net tubing stuff. I walked out of the hospital all stiff, feeling like I was wearing the most unconfortable shirt in the world, carrying two big bags of Vigilon, tubing and tape. When I got home I took out the tubing and cut arm holes and a neckline in it and created a little tubing shirt to wear over my Vigilon jellyfish creatures. Suddenly I could move any which way. So I am going to take my design back to the hospital and show them how to make a mesh garment for other patients with mantle burns.

Right now, my skin itches emmensely, and we all know how much I hate itching! It reminds me of how I felt when I itched all the time pre-diagnosis, I wanted to push people away as far as possible. I wanted to jump out of my skin before I tore it off. I fought the urge to scratch every waking second. I wanted to be attacked by a band of wire brush creatures, ones that would scratch me to smitherines. Like then, my skin is now my enemy! I wish I had been born with more pigment in my skin! Even pigskin would do! Please let me scream, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Thank you.

When the doctors saw my skin yesterday, they decided to postpone my next two appointments. I think my skin would explode if I was radiated today! My job now is to get myself through this next week or two of skin torture, and then we'll move on to zapping my abdomen and spleen. I am almost looking forward to it! I am dreaming of itch-free days. This will not last forever!

10/28/96
No radiation today! I am still burned! See how my skin looks below, ouch! The doctors call it a mantle burn. I call it irritating as hell. The positive side of this is that I can see where I am being radiated! Now my visualizations can be even more accurate!

I do not know if I will be zapped tomorrow or not, I will know more after seeing my doctors in the morning. I am also more nauseous today than yesterday, but I do not know why. If you look at the Droppie below for a few minutes you might be able to get an inkling of what I feel like right now. I bet you want the Droppie to hold still, don't you? Sorry, but Droppies have to bounce, it is the rules!

Reload this page to see Wizdar and Tazzle fly!
Then follow them for a little show!