I had to go to the hospital today to have a blood test to check my counts.  I have had a bad infection which has left me rather weak and pathetic and their concern was that I may have to start having GCSF injections to raise my counts for chemotherapy.  My counts are low but not too low, and so, I am going to carry on without the injections.  

So visualization will be more important this week to maintain my counts so that my next treatment isn't delayed. 

 I think my counts are doing pretty well considering I took a break.

I have just started a trial at the hospital into complementary medicine, which compares the effects of massage.  They take two groups and give one group massage and the other nothing and ask them questions about how they are feeling.

I met with the psychologist today and went through the first stage.  I'm not sure whether being suitable for the trial means I'm a complete basket case or not!!

There were definitely some issues arising from the meeting though, and I think it will be interesting.  It has certainly made me think about counseling again, which I wouldn't be able to do until after the trial, unless I really needed it and dropped out.

It brought out a lot stronger that feeling that my life is on hold, not just because I feel I can't do anything until my treatment is over, but simply having the energy to do anything.  I need to work, so all my energy is put into that, which means going out is just something I can't be bothered to do, but also that I'm quite anxious about the future; that I'm slightly panicking at the thought that I won't be able to change my life, that I don't know what I'm doing or where to go next, and that I won't have the energy to change it even if I know how.

I've been suffering from headaches recently and in the last month have had 3 migraine headaches which isn't too good.  I'm going to put it down to tension.

I plan a long relaxation session today and try and make myself feel better.